Heretaowica 

Heretaowicans believe some humans are capable of a limited sort of magic (or perhaps not) that may or may not vaguely resemble Wicca (that is the true form of witchcraft for those that didn't know.)  The magic comes from the greater unknown parts of the universe which are endless and inexhaustible.  They can make 'things' happen, but only if the universe is willing to play along.  Whatever the case regarding magic, Heretaowicans definitely enjoy religious rituals even if their dances don't always make it rain.  They have no moral issue with stealing bits of ceremonies from the lesser religions; co-opting the mannerisms while ignoring the underlying archaic superstitions.  Dressing up in flowing robes, gaudy capes, ornate hats that come to a points and carrying wands, scepters, crooks, staffs etc while wearing waaaay too much jewelry defiantly puts them in touch with the divine.  The more candles burnt, the more likely the great universal spirits will come around to see what the hell's on fire and stick around for the floor show.  Besides, it keeps candle makers in business.   Still, deep down Heretaowicans don't take any religious philosophy too serious, especially their own. Their primary creed; That which I believe today shall only be a suggestion of what to believe tomorrow.  To quote the founder, "I was a hedonistic non-believer, but then I was born again!  Now I've turned my life around 360 degrees."

Heretaowicans religiously acknowledge change and ritualize notable transitions.  Life to death, single to married (yes, I know that's redundant), work-week to weekend etc.  That does sort of make New Years their high holy day.  Some ritualize the new part, first of a month, New Years Day, birthdays, even (goddess forbid) Mondays!  Others ritualize endings as without things coming to an end, there would be no space for something new.  Those Heretaowicans  perform their rituals on Fridays, New Year's Eve and the day before a birthday or anniversary.

Heretaowicans have a somewhat ambivalently Zen approach to what happens after death.  As one sage Heretaowican put it, "Once freed from my body, my soul will go wherever it bloody well pleases! I won't be around to stop it.  I'll worry about it after I'm dead."  Not that they never think about death.  Heretaowicans find it especially amusing to make others uncomfortable by discussing the subject of death whenever possible as it still the ultimate taboo topic.  A Bris is a great place to bring up the fact that more than ten thousand American males die from urinary tract infections every day.  Mind you, Heretaowicans are not specifically morbid, they just enjoy people's expressions when they laugh through Apocalypse Now.  In the 60s, it was more fun to talk about sex, but the Internet has made that topic all too pedestrian these days; there's almost nothing taboo about it anymore.  And lets face it, taboo topics are so amusing to dwell upon while being forced to pass the time with unbelievers.  ...which frankly is pretty much everyone! 


The following are the basic Tenants of Heretaowicans

  1. Belief should be fluid.  No true religion comes from what other people tell you to believe.  Everyone who tried to teach you something about religion and/or philosophy was wrong.  Period.  Just accept that and move on.  True believe stems from an inner search for truth and beauty.  There is no reason to be stuck in the same belief system you had when you were 10.  Heretaowicans review their beliefs often and have no problem with adjusting them.  Their view on life after death, a one true god, many gods/spirits or how conciousness works can evlove and change over time.  This is the way life is meant to work; you mind should grow constantly.  When it doens't, you might as well be dead.
  2. Love your neighbor.  Literally and figuratively.  That means be nice to strangers, kind to your friends and fun for your sex partners.  Heretaowicans don't burden themselves with monogamy based on religious belief though mutual respect can sometimes lead in that direction.  In short, try to be kind and try not to be jelous.
  3. You don't have to love your neighbor if your neighbor is a duche.  People make mistakes, we all have different wants and need, but some people are just selfish little bastards that do more harm than good.  To be more specific, Heretaowicans are not required to do business with, be polite to or even converse with people who's religious beliefs allow them to act with prejudice toward entire categories of humans they haven't even gotten to know.  That means Heretowicans are not required to provide business services to Rightwing Baptist, Evangelical Catholics, Seventh day Adventist, conservative Mormons or Donald Trump and Mike Pence.  For that matter, feel free to completely ignore anything they say.
  4. Don't follow the crowd.  Most people are inherently sheep!  If you follow them, you will fall off a cliff like a lemming.  OK, lost my mamalian sense of direction there... But seriously, if there was one true religion, then why doesn't even 20% of the world's population follow it?  Does God want the majority of people to fail?  The fact that there are more atheists than any formal religion should be a clue, but even they don't agree and most hold some kind of idea of a higher being or purpose.
  5. FU<K 'em if they can't take a joke!  Laugh at yourself as you would laugh at others.  Religion by definition is not logical so there is always an overlap between belief and comedy.  Comedy is basically incongruities that amuse a mind.  It's only the pathetic little sad-sacks that can't find humor in their religion.  
  6. Fate favors the adventurous.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Although Heretaowicans don't subscribe to the idea that you HAVE to try something once, it still is a good idea to constantly expand your horizons.  Go backpacking in the Alps.  Try that new Ethiopian restaurant.  Take a course on theoretical physics.  Who knows; you might find something you didn't know you would love.
  7. Explore.  Don't sit in front of a computer, bury your face in your phone,  watch hour after hour of TV or immerse yourself in endless gaming.  All these distractions can be fun in limited doses, but there is a much bigger and more exciting world beyond them.  Do find the beauty in nature, people and yourself.  Do create new art or invent.  Do help others to be better people.
  8. Enjoy yourself.  Life is short and even if you believe you might get a do-over, that doesn't mean you should waste this one.  Enjoy an organism even if it's by yourself.  Eat something decadent.  Go to that party with your friends.  And indulge in other occasional vices; ESPECIALLY HUMOR!  
  9. Ritual ritual ritual!  Life is just more fun with a little pomp and circomstance.  Heretowicans don't worry about borrowing from other religions and spiritual beliefs in order to fulfill thier lust for ritual; even if they don't believe in it at all.  I mean, who wouldn't want to dress up in pure white, with a gold embroidered pointy hat while peons grovel at your feet?  Granted, finding peons isn't always that easy, but there are pleanty of ritual that a Heretaowican can enjoy alone or in groups.  Heretowicans use a variety of rituals, from breaking objects to send them to the next plane of existence or eating food that symbolizes devotion/faith to walking Labyrinths or making offerings to personal shrines.  Pick what works for you and always be open to new and different rituals that might brighten you short time on this Earth.  It should be noted that most Heretaowicans ritualize either beginnings or ending or both.  That may include births, deaths, week endings/beginings, New Years etc.  Every time something ends, something new begins.  The universe is change.
  10. The unexamined life is not worth living.  Seriously, Heretaowicans were not raised in a barn like some religion's deity.  Ahem, no names mentioned!  They believe in using their minds and turning their thoughts inward to examine who they are as people.  There is always room for improvement as we can learn something new every day.
  11. Practice reasonable tolerance.  Everybody is different.  No one else is exactly like you.  At least 99% of the world look different than you.  At least 90% of the globe has different religious practices than you.  And everyone loves in a different way including you!  So there is no reasonable excuse to treat people poorly just because these differences.  Show some of the intelligence you were given and grow a pair! (Balls, boobs or both.)  That said, even tolerance has it's limits.  Heretaowicans are not required to be tolerant of asshats and psychopaths.  People who deny service to others based on their skin color, age, perceived gender, perceived sexuality or religious affiliation are asshats.  Please who knowingly harm other humans because they think it's OK are psychopaths.  Heretowicans are not required to serve or even be polite to either of these types of miscreants.  Specific examples; racists, misogynists, bigots, homophobes or thugs.  
  12. Community Service is required.  You don't need be a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence to be a Heretaowican, but you are expected to do something for other people.  Volunteer at a senior center, coach a little league, do beach cleanup etc.  There is no excuse for not helping the society of man that you are a part of.

  13. Be respectful, of the @#$%ing peasants!  Despite the fact that nearly all people on the planet have religion wrong and you are right, you don't have to be an asshat about it.  It is nearly impossible to change people's mind about their beliefs.  Logic is useless, reason ridiculous and examples ineffective.  So why not try and get along with the heathens as the smoke from burning bridges will only give you an asthma attack.
  14. Knowledge is power.  Education doesn't just apply to school, much less a degree.  We all know people with degrees that are complete idiots .  And there are also people without them that are highly intelligent, successful and even admirable (think Bill Gates.)  Take time to read, especially about relevant topics like health, science and political justice.  It doesn't hurt to read about different religions and philosophies either.  You can better understand and anticipate peoples' reactions when you know how their religions will dictate their actions; especially when they never stop to consider the effect of said actions.
  15. Commuication is key.  The best way to learn new facts and find new interests is to talk to people.  Even people that you might now especially respect can surprise you with new and envigorating ideas.  What's more, you can occationally influence other's idea, especially when it comes to religious feedom and respect.  The more centered and calmly a Heretaowican discusses their superior religion, the more likely they will infulence another person to at least be open to people who do not share their particular zelotism.
  16. Sex should be enjoyable for all involved.  Whether you believe in monogamy, free love or you're just a slut, you should enjoy sex and so should your partner(s).  That means you are expected to listen to and consider your partner's needs as well as express your own.  Don't assume they know how fast, hard or wet you want it, tell them!  Ask them if they want something and consider at least occasionally compromising.  Practice safer sex if you can, and if you can't, at least talk about your STD status beforehand.  And remember to say "thanks" if you had fun.

  17. Heretaowicans do not prosthelatize.  Whe the F*ck cares if people follow your belief system?  The answer to that is week-minded insecure people who don't really believe all the tenants of their religion.  Since Heretaowica is so fluid and specifically encourages individual expression of spirituality, they don't often worry about others following their path.  That and it's kind of fun to be part of a truly unique religion.  Kind of an exclusive spiritual fraturnity.

This page was last updated Jan. 2018




* In case you haven't figured it out, Hellen is a Heretaowican