some humans are
of a limited sort of magic (or perhaps not) that may or may not
Wicca (that is the true form of witchcraft for those that didn't know.)
The magic comes from the greater unknown parts of the
universe which are endless and inexhaustible. They can make
'things' happen, but only if the universe is willing to play along.
Whatever the case regarding magic, Heretaowicans
definitely enjoy religious
rituals even if their dances don't always make it rain. They have
no moral issue with stealing bits of ceremonies from the
co-opting the mannerisms while ignoring the underlying archaic
Dressing up in flowing robes, gaudy capes, ornate hats that come to a
and carrying wands, scepters, crooks, staffs etc while wearing waaaay
them in touch with the divine. The more
candles burnt, the more likely the great universal spirits will come around to
see what the hell's on
fire and stick around for the floor show. Besides, it keeps candle makers in business. Still,
deep down Heretaowicans don't take any religious philosophy too serious, especially their own. Their
primary creed; That which I believe today shall only be a suggestion of what to believe tomorrow. To quote the founder, "I was a
non-believer, but then I was born again! Now I've turned my
religiously acknowledge change and ritualize notable transitions.
Life to death, single to married (yes, I know that's redundant),
work-week to weekend etc. That does sort of make New
Years their high holy day. Some ritualize the new part,
first of a month, New Years Day, birthdays, even (goddess forbid)
Mondays! Others ritualize endings as without things coming to an
end, there would be no space for something new. Those
Heretaowicans perform their rituals on Fridays, New Year's Eve
and the day before a birthday or anniversary.
Heretaowicans have a somewhat ambivalently Zen approach to
what happens after death.
Heretaowican put it, "Once freed from my body, my soul will go wherever
it bloody well
pleases! I won't be around to stop it.
I'll worry about it after I'm dead." Not that they never think
about death. Heretaowicans find it especially amusing to
make others uncomfortable by discussing the subject of death whenever
possible as it still the ultimate taboo topic. A Bris is a great
place to bring up the fact that
thousand American males die from urinary tract infections every
you, Heretaowicans are not specifically morbid, they just enjoy
people's expressions when they laugh through Apocalypse Now. In
the 60s, it was more fun to talk about sex, but the Internet has made
that topic all too pedestrian these days; there's almost nothing taboo
about it anymore.
And lets face it, taboo topics are so amusing to
while being forced to pass the time
with unbelievers. ...which frankly is pretty much
are the basic Tenants of Heretaowicans
This page was last updated Jan. 2018
should be fluid. No true religion comes
from what other people tell you to believe. Everyone who tried to teach you something about
religion and/or philosophy was wrong. Period. Just accept that and move on. True believe
stems from an inner search for truth and beauty. There
is no reason to be stuck in the same belief
system you had
when you were 10. Heretaowicans review their beliefs often and
have no problem with adjusting them. Their view on life after
death, a one true god, many gods/spirits or how conciousness works can
evlove and change over time. This is the way life is meant to
work; you mind should grow constantly. When it doens't, you might
as well be dead.
- Love your neighbor. Literally
and figuratively. That means be nice to strangers, kind to
your friends and fun for your sex partners. Heretaowicans
don't burden themselves with monogamy based on religious belief though
mutual respect can sometimes lead in that direction. In short, try to be kind and try not to be jelous.
- You don't have to love your neighbor if your neighbor is a duche.
People make mistakes, we all have different wants and need, but some
people are just selfish little bastards that do more harm than good.
To be more specific, Heretaowicans are not required to do business
with, be polite to or even converse with people who's religious beliefs
allow them to act with prejudice toward entire categories of humans
they haven't even gotten to know. That means Heretowicans are not
required to provide business services to Rightwing Baptist, Evangelical
Catholics, Seventh day Adventist, conservative Mormons or Donald Trump
and Mike Pence. For that matter, feel free to completely ignore
anything they say.
- Don't follow the
crowd. Most people
are inherently sheep! If you follow them, you will fall off a
cliff like a lemming. OK, lost my mamalian sense of direction there... But seriously, if there was one true
then why doesn't even 20% of the world's population follow it?
Does God want the majority of people to fail?
The fact that there are more atheists than any formal religion should
be a clue, but even they don't agree and most hold some kind of idea of
a higher being or purpose.
FU<K 'em if
they can't take a joke!
Laugh at yourself as you would laugh at others. Religion by definition is not logical so there is always an
overlap between belief and comedy. Comedy is basically
incongruities that amuse a mind. It's only the pathetic
sad-sacks that can't find humor in their religion.
- Fate favors the
adventurous. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Although Heretaowicans don't subscribe to the idea that you
HAVE to try something once, it still is a good idea to constantly
expand your horizons. Go backpacking in the Alps.
Try that new Ethiopian restaurant. Take a course on
theoretical physics. Who knows; you might find something you
didn't know you would love.
sit in front of a computer, bury your face in your phone,
after hour of TV or immerse yourself in endless gaming. All
distractions can be fun in limited doses, but there is a much bigger
and more exciting world beyond them. Do find the beauty in
people and yourself. Do create new art or invent.
Do help others to
be better people.
- Enjoy yourself.
Life is short and even if you believe you might get a do-over, that doesn't mean you should waste this one. Enjoy an
organism even if it's by yourself. Eat something decadent.
Go to that party with your friends. And indulge in
other occasional vices; ESPECIALLY HUMOR!
- Ritual ritual ritual! Life
is just more fun with a little pomp and circomstance.
don't worry about borrowing from other religions and spiritual beliefs
in order to fulfill thier lust for ritual; even if they don't believe
in it at all. I mean, who wouldn't want to dress up in pure
with a gold embroidered pointy hat while peons grovel at your feet?
Granted, finding peons isn't always that easy, but there are
of ritual that a Heretaowican can enjoy alone or in groups.
Heretowicans use a variety of rituals, from breaking objects to
them to the next plane of existence or eating food that symbolizes
devotion/faith to walking Labyrinths or making offerings to personal
shrines. Pick what works for you and always be open to new and
different rituals that might brighten you short time on this Earth.
It should be noted that most Heretaowicans ritualize either
beginnings or ending or both. That may include births, deaths,
week endings/beginings, New Years etc. Every time something ends,
something new begins. The universe is change.
unexamined life is not worth living. Seriously,
Heretaowicans were not raised in a barn like some religion's deity.
Ahem, no names mentioned! They believe in using their minds
and turning their thoughts inward to examine who they are as people.
There is always room for improvement as we can learn something
new every day.
reasonable tolerance. Everybody is different.
No one else is exactly like you. At least 99% of
the world look different than you. At least 90% of the globe
has different religious practices than you. And everyone
loves in a different way including you! So there is no
reasonable excuse to treat people poorly just because these
differences. Show some of the intelligence you were given and
grow a pair! (Balls, boobs or both.) That said, even
tolerance has it's limits. Heretaowicans are not required to
be tolerant of asshats and psychopaths. People who deny
service to others based on their skin color, age, perceived gender,
perceived sexuality or religious affiliation are asshats.
Please who knowingly harm other humans because they think
it's OK are psychopaths. Heretowicans are not required to
serve or even be polite to either of these types of miscreants.
Specific examples; racists, misogynists, bigots, homophobes
- Community Service is required.
You don't need be a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence to be a
Heretaowican, but you are expected to do something for other people.
Volunteer at a senior center, coach a little league, do beach cleanup
etc. There is no excuse for not helping the society of man that you
are a part of.
- Be respectful, of the
Despite the fact that nearly all people on the planet have
religion wrong and you are right, you don't have to be an asshat about
it. It is nearly impossible to change people's mind about
beliefs. Logic is useless, reason ridiculous and examples
ineffective. So why not try and get along with the heathens
the smoke from burning bridges will only give you an asthma attack.
- Knowledge is power.
Education doesn't just apply to school, much less a degree. We all
know people with degrees that are complete idiots . And there are also
people without them that are highly intelligent, successful and even
admirable (think Bill Gates.) Take time to read, especially about
relevant topics like health, science and political justice. It doesn't
hurt to read about different religions and philosophies either. You
can better understand and anticipate peoples' reactions when you know
how their religions will dictate their actions; especially when they
never stop to consider the effect of said actions.
- Commuication is key.
The best way to learn new facts and find new interests is to talk
to people. Even people that you might now especially respect can
surprise you with new and envigorating ideas. What's more, you
can occationally influence other's idea, especially when it comes to
religious feedom and respect. The more centered and calmly a
Heretaowican discusses their superior religion, the more likely they
will infulence another person to at least be open to people who do not
share their particular zelotism.
- Sex should be enjoyable for all involved.
Whether you believe in monogamy, free love or you're just a slut,
you should enjoy sex and so should your partner(s). That means
you are expected to listen to and consider your partner's needs as well
as express your own. Don't assume they know how fast, hard or wet
you want it, tell them! Ask them if they want something and
consider at least occasionally compromising. Practice safer sex
if you can, and if you can't, at least talk about your STD status
beforehand. And remember to say "thanks" if you had fun.
- Heretaowicans do not prosthelatize.
Whe the F*ck cares if people follow your belief system? The
answer to that is week-minded insecure people who don't really believe
all the tenants of their religion. Since Heretaowica is so fluid
and specifically encourages individual expression of spirituality, they
don't often worry about others following their path. That and
it's kind of fun to be part of a truly unique religion. Kind of
an exclusive spiritual fraturnity.
* In case you haven't figured it out, Hellen is a Heretaowican